Do you know what hyperbole is?
Do you know who Kirk Montgomery is?
Do you know what you get when you mix the two?

I just heard an advertisement for the new Star Trek movie in which Mr. Montgomery is quoted as saying that the new Star Trek is “this generation’s Star Wars”. ORLY? I thought it was supposed to be this generation’s STAR TREK!!!!

Cretin.

::sigh::

Following this new variation on logic I can only surmise that:

• “House” must be this generation’s “Gone With The Wind”.
• The new Will Ferrell remake of “Land of the Lost” must be this generation’s “French Connection”.
• “Transformers 2″ must certainly be this generation’s “Citizen Kane”
• and who could deny that “Operation Runway” represents this generation’s “From Here to Eternity”??

Alls I know is that THIS generation have their heads up their collective asses and that Mr. Montgomery is leading the charge. Just like Humphrey Bogart in “Ironman 2″.

Now THERE was a classic.

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I hadn’t been feeling very good lately and had almost decided to go home instead, but then I thought about how much time and effort my friend Linda Burns had put into producing and directing this film, and how hard Drew Johnston had fought to stay alive. Ordering the ticket took 3 minutes, and I’m so glad that I made the effort to see the movie, even if I didn’t have the energy to stay to mingle with people afterward.

If you’re a competitive athlete or know someone who might be interested in Drew’s story, the film is already available on DVD from LivingIsWinning.com

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1. Winning The Late Night Twitter War

Now I just make up stuff. It’s a lot more fun.

You and I both know that the joke was never the “secret handshake” of Vaudevillians. Can you seriously picture any one of the Seven Little Foys ever telling that joke (or acting it out)? Don’t answer that. Just stand there and let me applaud you and the 100 prankish comedians who assisted you in this bit of theatrical chicanery. This will forever remain one of your best tricks, masterfully executed on all of the idiots I keep running into at parties.

Oh, and I want back the money that I paid to see the movie (since it was about a fake inside-joke). If not my money then something of equal value, like a beer. Preferably without giant centipedes swimming in it.

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Casting was pretty damned great for a indie, though several of the better known actors were used as deux es machinas when the plot holes begin to widen. I felt that Carmen Electra’s part was too one-dimensional and tacked-on, though I’m certain that having her on board was important for distribution. Jason Priestley (whose foot I accidentally trod upon at Director Richard Lang’s funeral mass) has fun in his role but is completely upstaged by Mike Starr, who is (for better or worse) forever etched into many of our minds as the hit man from ‘Dumb & Dumber’, a role he seems to reprise in a slightly harder version in this film.

Central American soap-opera star Eduardo Yanez is onscreen for the briefest of moments, providing me with a burst of nostalgia for the Aaron Spelling series called “Savannah” that we shot here in Atlanta back in the mid-90’s. Eduardo came on-board for one or two episodes during our second season and when he wrapped he went around set handing out autographed posters of himself without a shirt on. Both the value of those strange autographed posters and Eduardo’s waistline have increased since I last saw him.

And speaking of Mr. Spelling, his son Randy is the film’s country mouse hero. While we only ever saw Aaron’s associate producer E. Duke Vincent on our end of the country, I have seen photos of our late employer and was surprised to see that Randy wasn’t as skinny as his dad. I mentioned to Michael Damian that I thought Randy bears a strong resemblance to Justin Bateman. Somebody should put them in something together as brothers, see how that works out.
I turned green with envy for Randy Spelling once I got a good look at the his leading lady, Diora Baird. She must have a million (and one) mouth-breathing morons posting articles about her amazingly curvaceous body. Zowee, and we even get to see it. That’s more than enough justification to buy the DVD right there. If I’d been Randy I would have kept blowing my lines just to get another take with the girl.

Look for an appearance by James Best, the actor whose madcap stint as Sheriff Roscoe P. Coletrane on the Dukes of Hazzard assured him of everlasting fame, and endless imitations by the show’s legion of fans.

Ultimately, Hot Tamale is the kind of movie that’s fun to see on a Saturday afternoon when you’re flipping channels; the kind of film that goes on the same channel as Weekend at Bernie’s 2. It’s quirky, but ’safe’ quirky – it stays within the Hollywood norms in that you always know where it’s headed, even when you begin to hope that it isn’t. Which is fine.

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While “Dead Man’s Chest” isn’t on the level of “Empire”, I can safely say that it isn’t nearly as bad as some reviewers have made it out to be. I quite enjoyed it, and so did our audience. Fully a week after the movie’s opening a bunch of regular people on the unfashionable end of Atlanta sat and clapped when the credits rolled. They clapped. Surprised the hell out of me! I can’t remember the last time that happened at my local theater.

I think that director Gore Verbinski can safely tell his naysayers to “eat it”.

I mean, it’s just a cartoon anyway. A cinematic version of a dark ride from Disney World, nothing more, nothing less. Art, schmart… it’s good old-fashioned theater, an eminently enjoyable bit of summer escapism.

While the first film in the series, “The Black Pearl”, is a pre-requisite to understanding the finer points of “Dead Man’s Chest” there’s so much action in this movie that a newcomer to the world of the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow would still be entertained and could likely figure out where things stood by the time it really gets rolling. And rolling.

*** Light Spoilers ***
The action sequences are riveting and liberally sprinkled with clever hijincks, references to the original Disney ride and setups for subsequent tweaks to said ride. The references to traditional western nautical lore are imaginative and visually arresting; from the villainous Davy Jones and his seafood-encrusted crew to the legendary sea monster that Jones sics upon Captain Sparrow, my tricorn is doffed to the filmmakers technical achievements. But I’ll argue that it’s not all just special effects. The movie dips, bobs and veers on a Jack Sparrow-like path that explores aspects of the first film’s characters not seen in the first film. That’s about as much as you could ask from a movie based upon a jumped-up carnival ride.
*******************

Bottomline: If you’ve heard that this film isn’t any good then you’ve been misled; as long as you remember that this is an middle episode you should enjoy it just fine!

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But the audience didn’t care about my complaints.
They (we) clapped for Superman, every one of us wishing he were real.

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The setup for all of these movies is the same. Someone has a vivid premonition that they are going to die in a horrific accident. When they find themselves in the situation leading to the events of their premonition they break the chain of events by freaking out and not doing whatever it was that lead to their death (getting off a plane, not driving down a highway, not riding on a rollercoaster). In every film the main character derails their fate (and the fate of a handful of people who were near them when they freaked out). After the dust settles the people who escaped with their lives begin to die, in the same order that they would have died if they hadn’t escaped the accident. It’s “death’s plan”.

The people who death comes back to claim die in freak accidents, but you get to watch as all the elements begin falling into place. A leaky sink wets a marble floor, a gust of wind blows a window open, it’s very Rube Goldberg-esque and it’s a lot of fun trying to guess what’s going to happen next. It also makes anyone who’s as clumsy as me leave the theater worrying that they’re going to manage to hurt themselves like the unfortunates in the movie.

This third installment seemed a lot gorier than the first two films, which I could have done without. When the movie ended and the audience groaned it made me wonder if there’s any reason to do a Final Destination 4 (not that I wouldn’t go see it).

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That isn’t to say that this is a bad sequel, it’s just that it might be more accurate to call it an epilogue to the first film. The special effects are good, but not the best… perhaps artfully interpreted? The acting is serviceable and the action is well done if not predictable, I mean, must every one of these types of movies end with a showdown in a large, partially submerged cavernous room with dozens of entrances leading in and out? Maybe so, but no matter.

The most important thing that I took away from this movie is that Kate Beckinsale looks super-fine in her vinyl/rubber bodysuit and that she gets extremely and artistically naked in a love scene borrowed from every ‘R’ rated movie from the late 1980’s. You almost see stuff too!

But alas, the film really was about machismo and stalking and stabbing and biting and crushing and spitting and strutting. My instincts tell me that this film is a stopgap between the original movie and a weekly series on cable television.

Tell the Nielson family that I’ll tune in if they can convince Kate to show up in her fine, fine bodysuit.

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Yes, it was absolutely, incredibly, heartbreakingly worth it.

Just desserts I suppose for those of us who were baffled at Peter Jackson for insisting on remaking King Kong despite our expectations that he give us a live action version of “The Hobbit” hot on the heels of the Rings trilogy. I mean [LAST MINUTE SPOILER ALERT], everybody in the world knows that Kong dies at the end (and for those of you who didn’t, now you do, sorry)… so what’s the big deal?

Why did Peter Jackson want to remake a dusty, tired, trite and seemingly unwanted film?

Because he never stopped loving Kong, something the rest of us may have done. No, that’s not it, we don’t forget… I think that we block it out because it hurts to watch the third act; I’m fairly sure that I’ve cried at the end of every version I’ve every seen. With Kong’s certain demise lurking in the back of my mind I was resolved to remain emotionally detached from WETA’s tricksy computer animated ape. I failed of course, but as I was sitting in front of everyone else in the theater there’s not a soul that can prove that I had tears streaming down my face as the credits rolled.

The special effects are magnificent, seemingly better than anything coming out of Lucasfilm these days. The action is intense. I was twitching and jerking and leaping in my seat, hissing and biting my finger during certain sections of the film. From all accounts this version of King Kong is truer to the intent of the original film than the original film itself, reintroducing excised portions of events on the island and building in a great deal of foreshadowing that wasn’t unappreciated. It’s to the film’s benefit that Peter Jackson wasn’t allowed to make his version of Kong any sooner than he did… thanks to the technology applied I think that the look and feel of this film will stand the test of time. I’d be surprised if another big budget version of King Kong was attempted within the next 30 years unless it’s some kind of “you are there” holographic thingy, and that will just suck. Hats off to Peter Jackson, his cast & his crew.

Don’t miss this film at the theater.
Don’t take kids.
Don’t drink a Big Gulp before you go.

And don’t mess around with Kong.

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Which is what this movie is… a really big road trip with all the expected twists and turns… after all, it is Jumanji 2. Still, it’s far less cloying than its predecessor thanks to the chemistry of the two young actors playing brothers and the incredible amount of destruction keeps you paying attention.

As I’d made a last-minute decision to go see this movie I arrived in the theater after the previews had started and quickly landed on the second row. It wasn’t until the movie had been going for a few minutes before I realized how many kids were in the place. Silly me, seeing at 7:30pm show, what did I expect? I was amazed at how none of the kids erupted into wails of terror during some of the wilder moments of the film. If I’d been seven I’d have been squealing and hiding under my chair. If your young one is easily frightened you should think about renting something tamer or taking them to see Chicken Little or Shopgirl.

While the film’s plot followed a track as predictable as the rockets on the board game in the movie, the special effects were solid and well done though I may have seen some problems with the matchmoving…. (a joke only one person I know will understand and then proceed to pout about).

Coolest surprise of the film: Louis D’Esposito was the UPM and Alicia Accardo was Script Supervisor. Louis was the 1st AD on ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ and Alicia was our Script Supervisor on the same show. Good job guys!

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I’m giving this movie four and a half bats out of five.

I saw ‘Batman Begins’ at the 12:01am Atlanta premiere with a theater full of fans, which always tends to make an action-adventure movie more fun to watch although it does make it harder to see the screen when there are 200 little Bat-Ears poking up from everyone’s costumes.

‘Batman Begins’ is about as close to being a “real” Batman movie as any fan of the comics could ever hope to see make it to the silver screen. While I thoroughly enjoyed the first Tim Burton version of Batman it couldn’t escape his cartoonish vision. The “literary” character of Wayne/Batman is more complicated than a simple cartoon, something that Hollywood has consistently mishandled until the Spider-Man and X-Men series arrived.

It was gratifying to see a movie explore the foundations of the Batman mythos and especially intriguing to see the filmmakers reach into the supernatural 1970’s era of the Batman comicbook heritage and pull out the character R’as al Ghul (wiki for R’as) who is simultaneously Batman’s nemesis and guru-figure.

Christian Bale delivers the goods as a young billionaire whose sole purpose in life is to find his way through the grief and horror of witnessing the murder of his parents. The transition from street brawler to costumed crimefighter is an incredibly difficult path to negotiate because at the end of the day it’s hysterical to see someone standing around in a cape… how do you bridge that gulf?

You bridge it by bringing in 21st Century heavyweights like Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine. You allow their characters to mediate the silliness with Military Surplus and Cockney Heart.

When I first saw images of the latest version of the Batmobile on the internet, months before the first trailer, I hated it. By the time I saw the thing in action on the screen I changed my mind and started calling around to place my order. It’s exactly what I need to get through morning traffic. When Bale tells the vehicle to “Dress Me” I was hooked. Bitching truck thing Batman!

There’s a story in-between all of the setting up in ‘Batman Begins’ and it’s pretty darned good. Batman is still figuring out what he’s doing, the dance of real life and vigilantism. I’m especially pleased that they found a way to use a minor villain like Scarecrow to help set up the Batman character so that they can save the bigger bad guys for later films. That was one of the biggest sins of the Burton version of Batman: they killed off the BEST bad guy in the very first movie, leaving the other films to spiral down into the mire of scenery chewing by hams like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jim Carey. Not that those guys weren’t pikers compared to Jack Nicholson’s scenery chewing (and he could chew some scenery, I was there to watch him do it in-person for two nights).

Look for Gary Oldman as Detective Gordon, who comes across as a REAL guy. The whole world of ‘Batman Begins’ is so much less MTV-ish than anything you’ve ever seen Batman in that I think that many non-fans will be very surprised. In the end it’s still just a movie about a superhero, just one that’s near and dear to my heart. Thanks to Christopher Nolan and to the writers and creators who put together this latest version of Batman. I really enjoyed it.

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I’m giving this movie four out of five alien tripods.

It would have only been six but I’m buying off the Scientologists with an extra point so they’ll stay off of my back. Johnny T., QUIT calling man – I keep telling you that I’m Methodist!!

When I heard that Steven Spielberg was directing, Tom Cruise was starring and H.G. Wells was still dead, I honestly thought to myself, “Good choice Huggy Wells, War of the Worlds ALWAYS makes for a suck-o movie. Cruise and Spielberg won’t know what hit ‘em.”

What I neglected to take into consideration was the fact that hordes of computer jockeys would be paid to crank out incredibly realistic footage of towering alien tripods wreaking Major Box-Office Havoc and that Steven Spielberg is a fairly accomplished director.

I also forgot to take into consideration that the original story was damned brilliant. If I spoil anything for you in this review it’s your own fault for having not read the book yet. And you call yourselves Earthlings.

BACKSTORY
A requisite primer for those planning to become true sci-fi geeks, ‘War of the Worlds’ was set loose on the world in 1898 by H.G. Wells in a Victorian era awash in startling, paradigm-shifting revelations by scientists like Louis Pasteur (who simultaneously proved the mind-blowing existence of micro-organisms and ensured that his last name would be forever associated with those little square milk cartons you drank from in elementary school). As such, the original novel is awash in Victorian sensibilities.

THE MOVIE
I almost checked twice before typing Steven Spielberg’s name into this review because I honestly wouldn’t have known he had directed this film if it hadn’t been in the title credits – which isn’t to say that this was badly directed, it’s just that effects-laden films often have lives of their own. Mr. Speilberg took an old tired “why do this again?” story and breathed new life and new energy into it. Despite the contemporary adjustments, the framework of the original story is still very evident. This isn’t ‘War of the Worlds’ in name only.

From the very first time we see one of the alien tripods raining destruction down on Tom Cruise’s hometown to the time we see them gathered en masse at a river, it is clear that the terror of the alien machines still resonates with a audience. The impotence of the military to stop the invasion is handled differently from the book since the original story was staged in the late 1800’s (hence the audience is never treated to the appearance of the “HMS Thunderchild”). All of the great ideas are there, from the Wellesian introduction and epilogue by Morgan Freeman to the sickening spread of the strange red weed to the maddened “underground” dweller played by Tim Robbins (was it his idea to always play the weirdo? Is that all he can do?).

Go see the movie, it’s fun.

BONUS MATERIAL
In the 20th Century there were only three worthy versions of ‘War of the Worlds’ worth a fiddle. Most of you will probably only know the first one:

“We interrupt this broadcast…” Orson Welles’ famous 1938 Radio Dramatization sent hundreds (if not thousands) of listeners into a blind panic when they heard what seemed to be a normal radio program interrupted by news reports that gathered in frequency and detail until the terrible Martian invasion was in full effect. [Wikipedia]

Jeff Wayne’s Musical Version of The War of the Worlds (1978). Despite the ridiculous sounding title, this is in truth a dramatic retelling of H.G. Well’s ‘War of the Worlds’, narrated by none other than famed actor Richard Burton. What really sets this concept album apart is the music. From the creepy bass lines and eerie/goofy “Oooooo-laaaaaa” for the Martians to the incredibly beautiful ‘Forever Autumn’ by Moody Blues’ leadman Justin Hayward, this is probably one of the coolest things you’ll ever buy. [Compact Disc]

Tripods was a series of books written by John Christopher and published in the late 1960’s. In the 1980’s the BBC turned the program into a television series. This series belongs to the ‘War of the Worlds’ mythos, but explores a future in which the aliens have captured most of humanity and control them with special mind-control caps. It’s a compelling juvenile novel and is well respected in the halls of sci-fi. The television version had great special effects but dragged quite a bit. Around 2001 the program was released to DVD in the UK but has yet to be encoded as a Region 1 DVD for fans in North America. [Books][DVD]

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And damned I’d be by those fans if I dared give this film a bad review. Fortunately (for me), I can’t give this film ANY review because it’s technically not yet finished. What I can do is to tell you that this movie has more heart than the last three Star Wars movies lashed together and dipped in hearty sauce.

The film, like the series, is based on the adventures of the crew of the small starship ‘Serenity’. Captained by a veteran of a galactic civil war, the ship and its crew flit around the edges of the galaxy taking on petty jobs to survive – driven to this state by an all-powerful galactic government. Couched more in the style of ‘Wagon Train’ than Star Trek ever was, Whedon and his art department do a fine job of painting the outskirts of the galaxy like Indian Territory circa 1850 without dropping into lazy stereotypes or directly applied metaphors from the American West.

The speech patterns of the captain and some of his crew does smack of something akin to Amish-lite: the kind of way you speak when you’re being proper, good and true. Contrasted against the citified lingo of the film’s government officials it is endearing without being cloying or sounding like Yoda-speak. I did, however, at some point expect to see someone to pull out a banjo and sing a song about Tom Sawyer and the Exposition of 1880. I suspect the Jeb Weevil went aboard The Great American Freedom Train and exited the 1970’s with that strange bicentennial fervor injected into the water system at the time.

I was very impressed with the look of the film, from cinematography to production design. The first five (probably more) minutes of the movie is one continuous steadicam move designed to simultaneously cover exposition and to provide us some geography and sense of scale for the size of the ship ‘Serenity’. I’ve worked days where we set up for long steadicam shots and they’re incredibly adventurous endeavors for every department, from the steadicam operator and his guardian grip to the boom operator sneaking along trying to keep the mouse out of shot. Fortunately this was shot on stage, so I expect that the electricians had more control on their pre-rig.

If Jars Whizzle shot this scene once he shot it twenty times.

As with Star Trek, the ‘Firefly’ universe is of course best appreciated by fans of the television series but not being one of those fans I am happy to say that the movie is emminently accessible by non-fans. The witty dialogue, the unexpected, non-formulaic actions by the characters and the pre-existing relationships by all involved work together to create something that the trainwreck called ‘Andromeda’ never accomplished, regardless of its (questionable) lineage from Gene Roddenberry’s hand.

Will you leave this movie on September 30th (the release date) as a fan of ‘Firefly’? You just might.

You’ll certainly leave it with respect for Jaxx Windham’s love for his baby and for his fans.

You might even leave it as a Brown Coat.

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“What’s wrong Drewprops?” I spoke into the rushing wind from an open window.

I paused, sighed contentedly and the answer slipped into the world… “A great disturbance on the Internet. It was like a million petulant geeks crying out in unison, then suddenly being silenced. George Lucas finally made another decent movie.”

And honestly, it’s a fine movie. You should’ve seen it with us – we had stormtroopers in OUR line. In fact, one of the troopers (a short one at that) tried to get us to switch lines so his sister could sit in the theater with him. Like I’m going to trust a stormtrooper. Everybody knows that stormtroopers only have brothers. Millions of them.

The movie. I’m giving it four and a half dead Jedi out of five.

Okay, if you haven’t seen the final Star Wars movie yet go ahead and click over to somewhere else on the site because I’m about to start talking about the movie and I’d hate to ruin the film for you. Go listen to the podcast that I did while waiting in line at the theater, there are no spoilers in that one.

Right, the movie.

Before the movie even began there was a hellish lightsaber battle halfway up the auditorium, you know, on the landing before the second tier of seating? It was a bunch of sugar-crazed eight year olds against an entirely different gang of cornsyrup-enriched eight and a half year olds. Remember near the end of Return of the Jedi how Luke Skywalker is hammering away at Darth Vader? Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! That’s how it was with these kids. I could almost swear that I saw five or six little eyes poked out in that melee. They fought like lions, but really, stood they no chance against the frontal assault by one of the more level-headed mothers. Lightsaber battles. What else would you expect from a theater filled with people waving lightsabers in the air? I’m not just talking about kids here either, I’m talking about forty year old guys who dressed up like Jedi. I tried snapping a picture of one of them leaning up in front of the XXX movie poster smoking a cigarette but he quickly hid it from view, not wanting to expose the little ones to any bad habits I suppose.

As if dressing up like a Jedi when you’re forty years old isn’t going to stick in their minds dude.

Okay, okay, the movie.

I don’t know about YOU but seeing the words “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…..” still makes shivers run up and down my neck. Knowing that I was more than likely seeing the last new Star Wars movie beginning with those opening words for the last time in my life was a sobering reflection on my own mortality, an oddly satisfying counterpoint to the lingering mouth-pucker I had from some off-brand SweetTarts consumed before the lights went down.

War!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…..

After seeing the opening shot from “Star Wars : A New Hope” repeated in “Star Wars : The Empire Strikes Back” (camera racks down from a field of stars toward a planet and into some crazy spaceship action) every fan in the world looked forward to subsequent opening sequences of Star Wars movies with great anticipation. The opening sequence to “Revenge of the Sith” is one of the absolute best of the lot, slowly ramping up the action until things are boiling like a volcano. Even mildly observant fans will note how the Jedi starfighters are actually proto TIE fighters and the Republican star cruisers early Imperial Star Destroyers. All the pieces are coming together, we’re closing in on the time period of the first three films.

For those of you still reading who haven’t seen the movie, sorry if I spoil anything for you but you’ve been warned.

Hayden Christensen, as Anakin Skywalker, is much improved in his performance. Unfortunately, the antiquated, formal high-speech of the Old Republic doesn’t lend itself to what we early 21st Centurians consider to be “normal dialogue” (yo, dog), leaving key scenes emotionally crippled and logically unconvincing. The character of Anakin Skywalker should be the very definition of uncontrollable passion; passion poorly understood, poorly controlled and poorly dealt with by the Jedi Council. Some of Christensen’s performances are more artificial than the myriad of computer-animated creatures prowling the backgrounds of his scenes.

Forever after this weekend you’ll hear Star Wars fans discussing the poorly-built (strongly-hissed) case made by Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (aka Darth Sidious) to convince Anakin that his only chance of keeping Padme Amidala alive was to become his apprentice in the ways of the Sith. Couldn’t we have carved out five more stinking minutes to work in a way to imperil Padme physically, to make Anakin’s distress manifest and present instead of perceived and visionary? It would have been a much better TWIST for the audience to feel that Padme was endangered by one plot point, only to discover that the perceived danger was but an illusion dealt by fate. The burning fever of Anakin’s evil was a fire poorly constructed by Mr. Lucas and company. We should have been given something, anything, to explain why Anakin so quickly took a knee and pledged everlasting service to Palpatine.

Yet, take a knee he must – simply to move us down the line to “A New Hope”.

And the searing evil of Anakin’s act of butchery against the Tusken Raider village in the previous chapter of the series is echoed in yet finer horror within the nursery of the Jedi younglings. I never expected to feel that level of revulsion again for the character of Darth Vader.

Boy was I ever wrong.

By this point in the film Lucas is invoking larger than life motifs and the scale of the tragedy of the fall of the Jedi is revealed at long last. It is the fall of one man, precipitating the fall of an ancient Order. The magnitude of the treachery is fantastic and reaches back through the prior two movies to unite fragments of ideas into obvious and unavoidable realities.

Palpatine orchestrated the construction of the clones with the full knowledge that one day he would use them to wipe out the Jedi.

Anakin was there to bring balance to the force, just not in the way that the Jedi expected. What was it Yoda said about misreading prophecies?

As the Jedi die ignobly on dozens of worlds at the hands of a multitude of strangely CG-looking judas troopers, our middle-aged Obi Wan follows the darkened Anakin to an INCREDIBLY rendered volcanic world to do terrible battle. Back on Coruscant, home of the NEW Galactic Empire (shock! horror! yaaayyy! (who said that?)), our once-spry little green muppet (no, not Kermit) wages a war of sheer force with the leader of the new Empire.

The final battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan is epic, spectacular and worthy of a pile of awards heaped at the feet of the graphics team responsible for the action. While I knew that Vader/Skywalker would be damaged by the volcano I had forgotten to expect such grievous damage being done to the frame of the man soon to occupy the famous suit. Without a leg to stand on it was simultaneously exciting and alarming to watch the husk of the man covered in flames and to see the immense pain Obi-Wan experienced as he turned away from the smoldering heap of his former pupil and brother in the Force. Now and ever after I will truly understand why Ben lied to Luke about his father.

A bit of the power of that scene was diminished shortly afterward when Darth Vader, in full helmet/cape regalia, snapped his chains (okay, “restraints”) in true Frankenstein style, did a Herman Munster style stumble/dance (briefly dipping into a ZZ-Top boogie move) before wiggling his hands by his side (jazz hands?) and shouting. It was supposed to be moving and terrible and… and I just wanted to bust out laughing when I saw that little sequence. It was just so completely comical that it will be mocked from here until the last Star Wars fan draws breath.

JD Taylor compared it to the “STELLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” scene from “On The Waterfront”. How long will it be until somebody makes an animated icon using that footage of Vader? Hey, somebody do one and use it on my messageboard! It’s probably already out there and the weekend hasn’t even started.

Speaking of which, they’re saying that the movie has already outpaced “Lord of the Rings” opening night, so expect for this weekend’s haul to be massively massive.

The final wrap up of the plot lines, meant to connect this film to the 1977 movie were a bit forced, but the power and resonance and my love for that first film were enough to put a lump in my throat and a hurt in my heart. Finally knowing what happened to force Luke and Leia to be separated was far more important to me than I realized and I walked out of the theater determined to see that first film all over again, just like a bazillion other Star Wars fans.

That’s all I have to say about the Star Wars tonight.

May the Force be with you.

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1. VaderPainter’s Big August 2009 Sale

Something even more terrible than my opening sentence.

All of these feelings, and munched-upons, were remembered one hundred-odd minutes later as I was walking out of the theater when someone asked me if I had happened to LIKE the movie….

Before I answer that question, you should know that I’m giving this movie four major deciduous forests out of five, for Douglas.

….so had I liked the movie?

No.

When you’ve read a book a dozen times, watched the television series over and over, listened to the radio plays on countless road trips, played the video game and traded comments with the author, you tend to dislike people changing the little stuff, and hate people changing the big stuff.

I’m not going to spoil the movie for you here, but if you’re a die-hard fan of Douglas Adams’ most famous four-book trilogy, steel yourself for some interesting alterations to the original story. Happily, the changes aren’t all objectionable and anyone who knows their DNA knows that Douggie was always wont to change the way things happened in his universe to suit his current mood. Like almost every other book with fantastic visual imagery that finally makes it onto the big screen, the Hammer & Tong boys have made the mistake of relying on the special effects instead of the story that got them to the dance in the first place.

At its heart, HHGG is the simple story of a man who’s just had a very bad morning. He’s had his house knocked down, his planet blown up, he can’t find a decent cup of tea and his best friend Ford turns out not to be from Guildford after all but from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. The story of Arthur Dent is one of frustration, consternation, exasperation and utter bafflement at nearly everything the mean old universe has decided to toss at him on a day that he suspects might just be a Thursday, because he knows that he never quite got the hang of Thursdays.

The Hammer & Tong boys, even if they did work from a script that Adams first penned, seem to have not quite gotten a firm grip on that original idea. In their version, Arthur Dent is no longer frustrated and confused, he is lovelorn and spineless. As Arthur Dent might say, “What the ????”

For fans of the original material who aren’t put off by a movie with a maddening inability to stay on track with the story that they know by heart, potential treats abound. I nearly leapt out of my seat when I spotted one character from the original BBC television series waiting in a queue about halfway through the picture. “Hey! Do something, these guys forgot the story!! Tell them how it’s supposed to go!! TELL THEM!!!!!!” is what I distinctly thought I might have said if it would have helped anything, which it wouldn’t, and GOSH I’m so depressed and have this pain running all up and down my right side and….

I wonder how well this movie will play to the uninitiated; people who think that the story they see onscreen is the exact story that first made the book so popular. I wish they could read the book, listen to the radio plays, watch the original BBC series, play the Infocom game and talk to some Hitchhiker fans before they see this movie.

So to recap, I’m giving the movie 4 thingys out of 5, I didn’t like it but I did enjoy it.

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I’m giving this movie 4 out of 5 legendary Flying Buddha Palm strikes. Ka-chow!

While there’s a lifetime’s worth of nuance that we Westerners may not fully appreciate (the various fighting disciplines, references to existing Chinese character stereotypes, even certain facial expressions), the broad slapstick easily spans continents and cultures with a cartoon bound. If you’re worried that this movie will be too “foreign” for you, consider the fact that the bad guys, the Axe Gang, has a penchant for dance numbers that are as ridiculously prancy as anything Broadway can throw at you.

After all, when you’re a Jet….

This movie is rated ‘R’ for a reason, even though the violence is cartoonishly exaggerated there are moments of sheer malice. I suspect that the fantastic trailer for this film, coupled with the repeated comparison to Warner Brothers cartoons by reviewers (like me) is going to tempt a lot of parents to take their kids to see this film. Don’t. If I had kids I’d buy them the Bugs Bunny collection on DVD instead, and ease them into the world of cartoon violence properly.

I don’t know if it’s a cultural difference in traditional storytelling style or if its just bad writing, but there’s never really one singular character for the audience to follow. I overheard somebody whispering to their seatmate but only caught the words ‘The Matrix’.

Comparisons to ‘The Matrix’ are unavoidable and ironic since the Wakowski brothers borrowed their cup of cinematic sugar from the culture behind “Kung Fu Hustle”. It’s kind of like the time I caught a kid laughing in church because we were singing “Rock of Ages”…. “it’s a Def Leppard song,” he giggled.

If you’re old enough to see an ‘R’ rated movie and love cartoon violence, this is the book for you. I mean MOVIE. This is the movie for you.

Where’s that Reading Rainbow sound snippet they play after a review? Ba-dum-dum!

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Still, ‘Sahara’ is a lot of fun to watch, delivering a great no-brainer action movie that would serve to spin Matthew McConaughey into a recurring role if the box office spikes on this preposterous, pre-blockbuster season release.

I’m giving it 3 out of 5 rare, golden Confederate dollar coins.

I was flummoxed by the plot: the last of the Confederate iron-clads had enough fuel to steam its way across the Atlantic (for reasons forever unknown) and wend its way up the Niger River to end up hidden in the heart of Africa – waiting for 21st century adventurer Dirk Pitt (my new pick-up-girls-at-the-bar name) to come and discover it.

The very preposterosity of this premise sent me scrambling online to make sure that there was a real story hidden underneath the sands of the film I’d just seen. Thankfully, the synopsis of author Clive Cussler’s original story harbors an even more incredible story involving gold mines (Allan Quartermain anyone?), the plot to assassinate Lincoln and the secret flight of a young femail pilot. Almost all of these subplots registers a blip in the streamlined adventure-fest you’ll see onscreen.

All goes to show you that it’s almost always better to read the book first.

Still, it was FUN and if you’re looking for something exciting and entertaining you should head on down the cinema for a movie that never forgets what it is: entertainment.

Who knows, maybe I’ll even try reading one of these pulp fiction novels!

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I’m giving it five bolts out of five. Grab some kids (they really ought to be your own you know, what with the laws and all) and head to the theater
NOW.

The story: In a world where all sentient life is robotic, things are quite similar to the world that you and I live in. The robots have jobs, fall in love, watch television and make babies. Literally. For the lower middleclass Copperbottom family the arrival of their baby boy Rodney is a joyous occasion. As Rodney grows older his affinity for mechanical devices leads him down the road to becoming an inventor and he sets his sights on getting a job for the famous Big Weld. So in true country mouse style Rodney goes to the big city… soon to discover how different the big city is from his simplified ideal.

The assembled voice talent for this movie (Ewan McGregor, Robin Williams, Mel Brooks, Halle Berry, Drew Carey, Stanley Tucci, Diane Weist) bring their rich comedic acting experience to the plate. It didn’t hurt that they were supported by a screenplay from the writers of Parenthood and City Slickers.

There are some visually dizzying sequences and a robotic version of Hell that might scare your young ones, but for sheer spectacle this one’s a hit. And that well-worn country mouse plot? It doesn’t disappoint….. although I did walk out of the theater wondering what other kinds of adventures these robots might get into~

It’s a safe bet you’ll see a followup to this film.

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Ugly, brusque and heartless is the new black, or the new Matrix if we’re talking about Keanu Reeves’ latest role as the anti-hero of the new Warner Brothers comic-turned-movie “Constantine”.

Based on a character seen most recently in a comic series called “Hellblazer”, the movie follows the dark mission of one John Constantine; a human fighting a solitary war against both the forces of Good and Evil, each of which attempt to influence the course of human events with subtle nudges. The script plays fast and loose with Judeo-Christian motifs and fearlessly makes up things when history can’t supply the necessary components.

Angels profane, the Bible has extra verses (only in Hell of course) and our fearless, chain-smoking anti-hero uses a holy-water-bullet spewing cross between a Gatlin gun and a…. well, a cross. I was just waiting for him to pull out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

I can only give this movie one, two, FIVE, no – three, THREE!! blasphemous references out of ten… erm, I mean five (since I’ve rejiggered my rating system).

The concept of PHYSICAL demons and angels stalking amongst humanity isn’t new, and if you read the headlines it’s hard not to believe. There are sequences in this film when we see Hell, and the way that it’s rendered threw my mind immediately to the “Knight of the Word” series by author Terry Brooks that runs parallel to the Constantine theme, but is so much less pretentious and so much more immediate.

If you like the idea of holy-water guns made from crosses see Constantine and do your homework, because you’re still in the 8th grade.

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What I’m trying to say here (and the idea with which I began this article) is that I am currently being reminded of a lot of things that I did in 2004, namely (to finish this damned sentence and to bridge to the next paragraph): the movies of 2004.

Counting my ticket stubs it seems that I saw around 20 movies last year. Here they are, with brief comments, in no particular order:

AFTER THE SUNSET
Pierce Brosnan and Salma Hayek. It took me this long to figure out that Salma Hayek is indeed a Very Hot Woman. An enjoyable B-Grade catburglar escapism story. Did I mention that Salma Hayek is extremely HOT? I did? Okay, good. Because I wanted to get that in there.

HARRY POTTER 3 : THE (something) OF (something)
No, I didn’t read Harry Potter on the grounds that the first movie came out around the same time that the first Lord of the Rings movie debuted, nevermind that they’re actually nothing alike. So I got over that and rented the other two movies before I saw this one. It was interesting to watch, but near the end it utterly fell apart for me because I had nary a clue as to who was who and what was what. I mean, come on guys, I’ve already seen Back to the Future and it didn’t need to be remade with British accents or griffins. And just who was the mouse again? And the wolfman? Gaaaaah. Alls I’m saying is that when Harry went all Marty McFly on us I just decided to enjoy the fact that I was at the movies instead of standing in the middle of a field at 4am handing a football to Denzel. Hey, when the kid who plays Harry is, like, 28 years old and trying to act like he’s 16 is anyone going to say anything? Oh Hollywood, you silly old town… you had me at Shazam. Or whatever it is they say that makes the brooms fly.

TEAM AMERICA
Dhurka Dhurka but this movie had me laughing from beginning to end. Marionettes trampling (with mincing marionette tromps) all over our current social mores was such a treat. Cinema that gloriously lampoons mainstream celebrities with wild abandon hit a real nerve with We The People. It was like we said in unison: “Shut up meat puppets, keep your political chocolate out of our entertainment peanut butter!” This movie was spiritually kin to that silly old Bugs Bunny cartoon that sent up old-time Hollywood and will be just as topically opaque to viewers fifty years from now. But who cares, for now we see Sean Penn and Janeane Garofalo being ripped to metaphorical (and yes, physical) shreds by the guys who put the South in South Park. The marionette sex, the marionette intrigue, the marionette kick-ass action was all jaw-droppingly hysterical. The fact that they were able to get us to watch 98 minutes of marionette-on-marionette action says a lot about the state of cinema today… I just don’t know what that is. You should see this movie even if you do object to seeing Michael Moore explode himself in a secret bunker. And really, what’s so bad about that?

DODGEBALL: A TRULY CRAPPY MOVIE
This movie was a great… well no, it was interesting…. wait, no, um, okay. It sucked. BUT, it was such a bad concept that I fell for the dream that it might be fun in spite of itself. But it wasn’t. Now, I would like it if somebody could just make me a DVD with the funny parts. Like the part where Rip Torn says “If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball”. Or some of Stephen Root doing his dumb nerd character. Or who could forget Steve the Pirate? The best part of this movie are the small skit-like moments, the worst part is the fact that the director allowed Ben Stiller to bring a character straight out of Zoolander up against Vince Vaughn’s Old School character. It was the comedic equivalent of a warm front meeting a cold front: a comedy tornado, and not the good kind. By the time this thing was over there were people climbing out from under their seats looking for their car keys. Looking at Ben’s last handful of movies I have one word of advice for Mr. Stiller: stop doing movies that have colons in their titles. Dodgeball? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. [Edit: Hi, this is Drew from the year 2008 here, reading this review and trying to figure out what changed because I really, really *like* this movie now. I was surprised at how much I didn't like the movie in 2004... maybe it was a bad year? Or maybe my values have slipped since then?]

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
I’m glad that I saw the movie and that I know the story within a greater context. I suppose my biggest hesitation about this film is that people (Christians and non-Christians) might remain hung up on the events from Gethsemane to Golgotha, forgetting or never learning about Jesus’ journey up to that point and why those last few cruel hours were so incredibly important beyond the physical suffering of the man known as Jesus. This movie should be run after a screening of ‘The Greatest Story Ever Told’. Don’t take your eyes off the ball kids; see the movie, but read the book first. And remember all you Christians, Jim Caviezel is just a man. I worked on a movie where the Christian community was tapped for cash because Jim was starring in it. Very shady doings there my friends.

ALIEN vs PREDATOR
No. I never saw an Alien movie in the theater. Or a Predator movie for that matter. I was too skeered to see ‘em back when they came out. But not any more. Anyone who haunts comicbook stores knew about the Aliens vs Predator crossover series when it came out many moons ago. The fans of that crossover series are legion. They are also quite scary. So it was with some surprise that I found myself excited to go see this movie. It was exactly what I expected, which was fine. Fans of the Cthulu mythos were probably thinking the same thing I was when they first revealed that pyramid under the ice. Good no-brainer rental for fans of the original series.

SPIDER-MAN 2
What’s to say? Tell me where to be for Spider-Man 3. See the movie, it’s almost as good as the first one – which is saying a lot. There’s nothing that quite matches ‘The Kiss’ from the first movie but that’s okay. Character development is hard to do… .it’s not all kisses and pink, wet shirts. Too bad eh?

NATIONAL TREASURE
Speaking as someone who would most certainly fail a lie detector test if asked about prior dealings with the Knights Templar, it was certainly interesting to see how far this Jerry Bruckheimer action adventure could pierce the veil of an order made extinct through political treachery centuries ago. The Knights, if they still existed, would have little to fear for their Order’s continued secrecy after seeing this movie. It was fun; a great big yarn with treasures beyond reckoning always just one tantalizing clue away. This film is a worthy to sit on the shelf just below the King of the Archaeology/Adventure genre that sold a million Fedoras to a million fat balding men. While this movie doesn’t have the classic hallmarks of an Indiana Jones movie it gets by fairly well on its own. It’s good to see that Nicholas Cage hasn’t entirely abandoned his action career to fight Nazis with mandolins and violas.

GODZILLA
The original movie for gosh sakes! It went on and on and on and the effects were actually much worse than I expected… I mean, no CGI at all, and where the heck was Raymond Burr?? ;P Anyway, I drifted off to sleep sometime before it ended. Afterward (on account of the fact that I knew the theater’s assistant manager) I was invited to the technical screening of:

THE VILLAGE
This was the second M. Night Shyamalan movie I’ve seen (’The Sixth Sense’ being the other). The thing I enjoyed most about it was that there was no discernible, formulaic pace to the movie. It seemed as if anything could happen. The setting for the movie and the culture of those living there was so alien that this had all the hallmarks of a good science fiction story; destroying preconceptions and introducing you to a new world with new cultural physics. I sensed the now-expected Shyamalan twist coming, but the brick stayed fairly well-wrapped in the velvet until just before it hit us right between the eyes. The best part about this movie was seeing that Ron Howard has a pretty, talented daughter who shows absolutely no signs of losing her hair. Yet. Anyway, the problem with a Shyamalan movie is that once you know the trick you can never see it the same way again. DVD sales of these movies probably suck.

I-ROBOT
It’s hard to call this movie cutting edge since the ideas first set out by Isaac Asimov have been stolen and used over and over in about fifty billion movies since 1950. Seeing literary classics “reimagined” as pure adrenaline action movies is sad, but there’s no way that this movie could have hit the silver screen without a razzle-dazzle Star stuck in the lead human role. Great special effects mix with tired, unnecessary John Woo guns-a-blazing style shots. I had mixed feelings about seeing Will Smith in the lead role. On the one hand he’s still ‘our’ (sci-fi nerds) summertime adventure movie guy. On the other hand he’s our summertime adventure movie guy. It would be nice to have seen the role portrayed by someone whose celebrity isn’t bigger than the part he’s playing. Still, I hope that Will keeps his finger in the sci-fi pie.

THE INCREDIBLES
I believe that I wrote a review of this movie on my messageboard while I was in the process of creating this new site. It all boiled down to this: all the other Pixar movies brought a lump to my throat. The Incredibles never got inside my heart. Sure it was fun to watch, and I’m still cheering for Pixar so don’t write to me saying that I just didn’t “get it”. In fact, don’t write to me at all. Just send money. Maybe I’ll change my mind.

WORD WARS
Ha! A documentary about people obsessed with playing Scrabble. I caught this one at the Atlanta Film Festival with leggy Atlanta indie writer/producer Lynn Lamousin, winner of the 20004 Southeastern Media Award. It was her idea and I’m glad that I followed her lead because the characters in the movie were better than anyone could have written because they were real! I can’t really tell you to run out and rent this one because indies are nigh-on impossible to find on retail. Google it up and see what you get.

BON VOYAGE
This was a big movie in France, about the Nazis invading France and about spies and intelligence officers and the way that the powerful fight to keep a hierarchical system in place even during the occupation of their own country. Or maybe it was a love story, that was in there too. Or mostly it was a war movie. Okay, it’s French, who knows? Not bad, catch it if it’s on your television. Your FRENCH television~

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
Plenty scary, and I know that I saw the “happy ending” version that they first put out to American audiences because we pay good money to see happiness and by darned I want to know that by the end of the movie that people have stopped nibbling off each others’ faces. Probably the highest box office for a zombie movie in, like, ever.

KILL BILL PT. 2
I hate liking Quentin’s movies but there’s no way I could deny not enjoying the second half of the Kill Bill epic. Strong women, great Japanese pulp-stories, Kung Fu classic characters and wildly improbable events keep you glued to your chair. The sticky crap on the floor doesn’t hurt either.

JAMES’ JOURNEY TO JERUSALEM
I really enjoyed this story of a young African man who travels to Jerusalem to see the holy land, only to be detained as an illegal immigrant and secretly slipped into an illegal workforce run by a small-time businessman. Seeing James pass out of his innocence is sad to see, but his ebullience is not entirely forgotten either, even when he forgets himself. The theme song from this movie is catchy. Check the site at www.james-journey.com if you’ve time.

THE TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE
Here I was, taking potshots at the French earlier when in reality I appreciate a vast array of things French, even this French-Canadian movie, eh? Unless you live in a small town with dirt roads, you probably heard the theme song from this movie on television. For all I know there was a music video that they ran on cable for those of you who have cable. By the way, if MTV isn’t running videos these days who is? The Weather Channel? Is that why you all watch that channel? The Triplets of Bellville is well-drawn (it’s animated you see) and you’re forever smiling as you realize what’s happening on screen. Rent this one, NetFlix it, download it.

THE FOG OF WAR
Errol Morris directs this movie using a strangely removed interview method that results in a gripping, personal, dialogue with former United States Secretary of Defense, Robert McNamara. In his eighties, McNamara is as razor sharp, politically savvy and ready-to-rule as I will never be. The intelligence, the secrets and the regrets in McNamara’s soul are drawn near enough to the surface that I was captivated from beginning to end. I should have done my history before seeing the movie, which is exactly what I’m recommending that you do before you see this documentary/interview.

MY ARCHITECT
Louis Kahn had an illegitimate son who he hardly knew. That son shot this documentary as he followed his father’s path and learned about a man he hardly knew. Architecture school grads (like me) will find it interesting to know a little more about the man behind the design. I honestly don’t remember a lot about the movie now – go check the messageboard to see if I wrote more about it. The only sense I have of it now is that I’m not especially inclined to see it again.

BUS 174
Another documentary, Bus 174 is like a long 60 Minutes piece on a hostage standoff that happened in Brazil several years ago. Lots of archival footage, historical information on the gunman and interviews flesh out the story of a boy who was destined to make a country take a long hard look at itself.

STARSKY & HUTCH
Yes, it was on when I was a kid. No, I never got to ride in the neighborhood car that was painted just like it (which incidentally stunted my ability to jump and slide across the hood of a car with any accuracy). Going camp with an established character/genre isn’t really something I’m fond of doing after seeing what they did to Batman back in the 1960’s. Still, the combination of Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller was working. Too bad that Ben Stiller can’t find a spot that’s just a notch below the cartoonish style from Zoolander or What About Mary. I really can’t recommend the movie all that much, but you don’t listen to me anyway. You never listen.

SHREK 2 : THE DAY THE FRANCHISE DIED
If anyone can show me what this second installment did for the Shrek franchise I’d like to see it. In small unmarked bills waiting in a stretch Lamborghini outside my house. Yes, they sold out and I don’t blame them at all. Financially that is… this series could have just as easily moved on as a weekly cartoon show on cable somewhere. Fun cultural asides, but they get old and trite after awhile. Like my movie reviews.

Okay, that’s it. I think that’s all the movies I saw last year and more reviews than you wanted to read.

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