I received Official notification this past Thursday that I had been selected as the new curator of the Michelin Museum of Motorized Metal Collecting. Unfortunately, this particular museum was located in the general vicinity of my very, very, very flat right rear tire. After a brief acceptance speech (which I dare not print here) and an (utterly futile) attempt to re-inflate the tire, I grabbed the jack from the trunk and proceeded to replace the flat tire with the tiny rubber toy which passes for a spare tire in 21st century America. While changing a tire in the busy parking lot of a popular gas station may sound like a hassle to some folks, it was in actuality incredibly convenient because I was able to place the flat tire in the back seat, directly on top of a flat tire from my second car… for you see, I was already on my way to my local National Tire & Battery (NTB) to replace a tire on that secondary car when I discovered that my primary car had pulled up lame. With this brand new flat my day just became twice as expensive! Little did I know that the ensuing trip to NTB would Continue Reading
I’d like to introduce you to a new product that I’ve only just recently invented called the “Love Ladder” – the newest erotic aid for loveplay since the…. um, well, I don’t know. But it’s a darned cracking sexy looking device, don’t you think? The box says that it’s fun for him and her! One size fits all! It’s hypoallergenic!! How can ladies resist? It’s runged for her pleasure for gosh sakes!!! Rrrrowwwrrr!!
“How do you get one of these things!!” you’re probably asking!!
Well, see, that’s where it gets kind of complicated.
Why don’t I tell you how I invented the Love Ladder first….. Continue Reading
A few weeks ago I was in the drive-through line at the big Krispy Kreme store in Atlanta, trying to scrape together enough money to pay for a small coffee. As I triumphantly drew forth the last floppy dollar from my wallet and turned to find some change something about that tatty dollar bill caught my eye…. I held it up in the morning light and noted that some brigand had stamped something on the bill. Holding it up to my face I saw that it read “Abolish the Federal Reserve”. Several things flashed through Continue Reading
I’ve recently joined the ranks of people brought to the crossroads of a life decision after being exposed to the squirm-inducing cable television program Hoarders. While grubbing around for my model-making tools I ran across a giant metal spider; the remnant of a plot by my friend Alice to Continue Reading
Tonight was my first time back in the gym after 16 months away and I’m embarrassed to say that I lasted all of 10 minutes on the new elliptical machines.
Seriously, it was pathetic. I’m so completely out of shape that my legs were nearly turned to jelly after my dismount, which surprised the heck out of me because when I stopped working out back in the Fall of 2008 I could have gone 45 minutes or longer Continue Reading
For over a year now I’ve been using a neat plug-in for my web browser which hides advertisements on websites, cutting out the clutter and increasing my surfing speed. However, several weeks ago I realized that this marvelous plug-in was causing weird behavior whenever I tried making comments on Facebook so I disabled it and was astonished to discover what I’ve been missing out on all this time: women!!! But not just any type of women; these are women who are looking specifically for guys who are Continue Reading
I was recently surprised to find myself blurting out the name “Oscar Goldman” to the television. As this is not something I typically do I feel it important to explain that I was (finally) watching the film “The 40 Year Old Virgin“. In the movie there is a scene in which the main character explains the importance of one of the hundreds of collectible toys lining the walls of his apartment. In this case it was a bland looking doll wearing a Continue Reading
I understand that my pals The Cardboard Troopers had a wild time this past weekend. They arrived in Atlanta for the 2009 edition of Dragon*Con, but they couldn’t actually seem to find a trace of the convention and the hotel people kept looking at them funny. I sure hope that they come back for the 10:00am parade on Saturday, they always seem to enjoy that.
Which reminds me that last month the Fall issue of the Georgia Tech Alumni Magazine hit the stands and I was simultaneously delighted (97%) and mortified (3%) to read the article about me that staff writer Van Jensen composed after we met prior to my surgery this summer. Entitled “How Did That NERD on the Left Become That PIRATE on the Right?“, the article does a really nice job of catching people up with the kid who won the Batman contest back in the 80s… and the second page features a certain cardboard trooper standing in front of a line of “real” troopers at Dragon*Con.
